My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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