i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
