You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
