dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
