I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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