Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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