You don't have asthma, your pregnant
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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