A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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