I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
