A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
