I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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