I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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