Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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