the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
