So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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