Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize