it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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