Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
