found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
