I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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