I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
ttyl tear gas
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize