i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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