i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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