dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
