The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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