Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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