how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
