if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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