Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
