you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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