i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
