Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
