I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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