Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
