just tell him i said nine months
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
