I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
