Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Found the puke drawer
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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