thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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