how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
