none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
