I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
