Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
