I can text with my tongue
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize