why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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