Umm I'm too high to move.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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