Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
