So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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