I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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