So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
