It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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