i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
