I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
