You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
