I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
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