if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
