Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
