the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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