you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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