Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize