Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
