I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
