My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
