i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize